One Said, Bugger
by Be'Jammin
Summary: This is a crossover of Discworld and Pokemon, that I was inspired by some Dragoness' work. Title doesn't make sense, but it will later on. Hope you like it.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon, nor do I own Discworld.  
  
  
  
Authors note: this is sort of a crossover, it uses certain elements of Discworld and could actually use it itself, and it would help if you read a Discworld novel or a Discworld Fanfiction.  
  
  
  
In the deepest part of the ocean, on the most remote world, there is a fish. This creature is blind and dumb and very small. And for all of the harmlessness that it is, it has an enemy. The Auditors of Reality hate this fish with a passion, complete and boiling. And if they hate this fish, then what do they think of Humanity?  
  
One said, This planet should not be able to exist.  
  
One said, We agree. It follows no rules.  
  
One said, How will we remedy this problem.  
  
One said, The way we always do.  
  
One said, What of the others? Do they have a say?  
  
One said, No. It is not of there concern.  
  
One said, What of the Light Fantastic? They will surely try to stop us.  
  
One said, Let them try. We shall succeed here. Even though we have had failures before.  
  
One said, How will we succeed here? We have noticed the incompetence of our self before.  
  
One said, We will do it ourselves and we shall use the inhabitants against themselves.  
  
One said, A very good plan. Success shall not escape us here.  
  
The Creator of the multiverse and the Death of Galaxies, Azreal, looked onto the conspiring Auditors. "Shall we tell the Light Fantastic about the Auditors plans?" the Creator asked. NO, THEY ALREADY KNOW OF THE PLANS AND SEAK OUT A REPRESENTIVE TO FIGHT THE AUDITORS. Azreal said in his hollow, booming voice that didn't bother to go through your ears. "Ah, and you remembered that right?" asked the Creator. YES, I DID. Azreal said. "Well then, we have nothing to worry about then, so I will deal the cards." The Creator said, pulling out a Caroc card set. DO WE HAVE TO PLAY CRIPPLE MR ONION AGAIN? Azreal asked. "Yes, we do." Was the Creators response.  
  
~Do we have to use this one?~ Helix said. ~Of course he will suit are needs perfectly.~ Gerner answered. ~I agree with Helix. The other one seems to be better at the task to be presented.~ Unli said. ~No, the other one has much responsibility on his shoulders already. It is not our right to place this extra weight.~ Gerner said. ~I agree with you but he is extremely arrogant, ignorant, crude, and he is a moron. Besides, it would be easier to use someone from the Disc, like I suggested.~ Helix said. ~Really and interrupt the balance of that fragile world. No, besides he should be able to do it with our assistance.~ Gerner said. ~What if he refuses, we don't have that much time to stop the Auditors.~ Unli said. ~He won't. He should accept his destiny. And if he doesn't, we will have to convince him, which shouldn't be that hard to do. Are we all agreed then?~ Gerner said. ~Yes~ was the other two's response.  
  
The three beings that made up the Light Fantastic, were flitting around the one the chose, unnoticed, for time had stopped. If anyone saw them, they would appeared to be creature shaped light that was bounded. And around there chosen they danced, as they are light. Gerner snapped his fingers and the figure came out of the blue hue and had quite a shock. "Oh God. Oh God. It has happened. I have gone insane." The person said. ~Ah. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Gerner, of the Light fantastic. And we have a job, no its more of a quest, for you to do, Mr. Oak.~ Gerner said in the most cheerful voice he could muster.  
  
Here is the first chapter of the, I think first serious Discworld/Pokemon crossover. And I would have to admit that some of it was semi inspired by Dragoness writings. So review and read. 


	2. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon, nor do I own Discworld.  
  
Authors note: If you were confused by the opening, that is how the Auditors of Reality speak, on mind, many bodies, I.Q. of 79 billion, but no personality. But, the normal course is going to be taken, and if you read a Discworld novel logic took next five hundred eons off. But enjoy it anyway.  
  
  
  
"Mr. Giovanni, there is a man here to see you." Said the Rocket that was Giovanni's secretary. "Send him in then." Giovanni said, intrigued at someone requesting him. When the door opened, a very tall man dressed in a green business suit walked in. "Hello Mr.… " Giovanni's voice trailed off for the mans name. *Hue, Green Hue is my name.* the man said, in a strange voice, almost sent from afar. "Yes, Mr. Hue, before we talk, may I offer you a drink?" Giovanni asked the man. *You may if you want* the man said. "Good, what would you have then?" Giovanni asked. *I do not drink.* the man replied. "But you said—" *I believe it is customary and polite to have a drink offered to you, so I used that tradition. But let us talk of business. There is a person that I need inhumed. If you can do it, I am willing to pay any price that you offer. And the person in question is an adolescent name Gary Oak. If you cannot do this I would be forced to use someone else.* The man said, cutting Giovanni off. "You think that you can do that to me? Make demands of me? I will accept this job, but do this again and I will personally teach you respect." Giovanni said. Smoke started to waif off of the floor and circle the man. *No, you will do nothing of the sort. You will be paid on the instant of the completion of the job* Mr. Hue said before he disappeared. Going back to his desk, Giovanni pressed a button. "Sally, get me any and all information on a person of the name Gary Oak as soon as you can." He said into his intercom.  
  
"Why me? Why not Ash? He is the one that is in all of those prophecies." Gary said to the Light Fantastic. ~We-ell, your friend is in all of those prophecies, that's why we chose you. Besides, a thousand physics, seers, fortune-tellers, and soothsayers working for a thousand years can't tell you what I am going to have for dinner.~ Gerner said to Gary. ~What about Mrs. Cake?~ Unli asked. ~She is the exception, not the rule.~ Gerner said. Gary's mind was awash with different thoughts. The first was that he went insane, the second was that he died and he was in Hell, and the third was that he shouldn't have had that suspicious looking guacamole with lunch. "Okay, you are starting to make some sense, but what do you want me to do?" Gary asked. ~We need you to protect this world. You see there is the glue of the universe, octarine, and every planet makes it. But when the Auditors win one of these scuffles, the octarine count of the universe goes down.~ Helix said. "Octarine? What's that?" Gary said asked him. ~Octarine is the source of magic. On worlds with high amounts, you have magic. But, on worlds like this there isn't enough for wizards to draw upon and cast spells.~ Unli said. Gary gave her a skeptical look. "Really, if you are right may I get struck by a bolt lightning." Gary said. As he heard the thunder and saw the bolt come down to him he quickly added "And live!!" All that he felt was a little jolt, but it was enough to convince him. "Will I be able to recognize it?" Gary asked. ~Are you the eighth son of the eighth son?~ Helix asked. "No, what does that have to do with anything?" Gary said. ~Everything. Eight is the number of magic and the occult.~ Gerner said. ~It is also the sacred number of Bel-Shamharoth, the Soul Eater. The flip side of the coin that Good and Evil are on the same side.~ Unli said. "I take it that there is much more to this than what you are telling me." Gary said to the three. ~Yes~ was there response. ~And there is a way for you to see and use octarine.~ Helix said as he put his hand on Gary head. ~Oh, by the way, this is going to feel really, really weird.~ He added as the octarine sparks went down his arm and into Gary.  
  
  
  
Nice little cliffhanger. Hope you like it so far. And please, read a Discworld novel so you will understand some of this, it would help. So, review and read. 


	3. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon, nor do I own Discworld.  
  
  
  
Authors note: Okay, all of this is going to go all Twilight Zone here real soon. So please have an open mind or you might end up like the Bursar, and that is a long story. But any way, here we go with the next chapter.  
  
Gary's eyes blinked open, and the first thing he saw was a bright florescent greenish-yellow purple glow, that started to settle into the background. He also noticed that it was slightly warmer and the temperature was rising ever so subtle. "What was that?" Gary asked. ~What? The glow? That is octarine in the form of light. It also is why you might be slightly warmer, as the glow gently cooks the air.~ Unli said. "You mean octarine has different forms?" Gary said. ~Yes. There is octarine light, octiron, and octagen. And not that you have Octarine Sight, you might actually be able to cast elemental quality spells. But you would need a staff.~ Gerner said. "Is there any thing else that you need me to do now?" Gary said. ~Nope. Helix stay with him and make sure he stays out of trouble.~ Gerner said. And after that, Unli and Gerner disappeared. And where Helix stood, there was a man, with an almost olive complexion, in reflective aviator sunglasses, a casual business suit, and a red fez. "Well, how do I look?" the man said. "Who are you?" Gary asked. "Helix, Helix Fantesco. It's me." Helix said. Helix then handed Gary a walking stick with a large knob on the end. "What is this?" Gary asked. "Your staff, a wizard needs staff and since you are the only relevant equivalent, it would have to do. And no you aren't, it just helps you use octarine by distilling it into you." Helix said. "Come on, I haven't had a cup of coffee in a good long time, so lets go." He added.  
  
Now at the same time that Gary and Helix were entering the town they came upon, Gary had a feeling that someone he knew was already there, and he remembered a conversation with them. And when he asked Helix about it, his reply was 'Your precognition switch is on' which made no sense to Gary at all. All of the sudden though, Helix stopped. "Did you hear that?" he asked. "Hear what?" Gary said. "Nothing, I thought that I heard dice rolling." Helix said.  
  
A thousand, thousand light years away, a being moves. On inspection it is a turtle, and on closer inspection, one would notice the four elephants riding on its back, and the world that is on them. This is the Discworld, resting on the backs of four elephants, which in turn ride the Star Turtle the Great A'tuin. In the center, in an area known as the Hub, there is a mountain, the ten mile high Corai Celesti. And at the top of this mountain is Dunmanifestin, the Stuccoed Valhalla. This is where the Discworld gods play games such as Mighty Empires, Significant Quest, and Star-crossed Lovers. And the two fiercest competitors are Fate and the Lady. "Ah, a six, a six, and a five. I'm winning, and with out your favorite pawn, I will." Fate said, as humorously as he could. "Using this new board has been… different." The Lady said. "And the pieces are interesting as well." She added. The Lady then picked up the dice box, a bronzed skull with rubies in the eye sockets. And even though she didn't shake it, the dice were moving in it. And she rolled three sevens. Fate looked up to her and frowned. "Okay, now you are cheating." He said, very displeased. The Lady looked up and smiled. "Who can cheat Fate?" she said, that furthered annoyed him.  
  
Okay, so that is the third chapter. A little more Discworld, a little more story. And I had to add Fate and the Lady playing a game. Hey, try to guess what they are playing and what the board is, and who the pieces are. But, I hope you like it so far, so review and read. 


	4. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon, nor do I own Discworld.  
  
  
  
Authors notes: If you are wondering why I added Fate and the Lady, I always had this idea that they were not anchored down to the Discworld. And there will be some romance in this, but if you read my profile, you will know what that means. Here is a hint, starts with an 'E.' I know what you are thinking, 'It's a million-to-one chance' well on the Discworld, million-to-one chances crop up nine times out of ten.  
  
  
  
"Hello, dear. We would have two cups of Red Curry Mountain coffee. Please." Helix asked the waitress. "I'm sorry, I don't think we have that." The waitress said. "Are you sure?" Helix said as he snapped his fingers. "Why don't you go check and two cups." He added as the waitress left to get there coffee. "Why didn't you let me order?" Gary asked. "Don't worry. Red Curry Mountain is just plain coffee." Helix said. A few minutes later, there coffee came and Gary drank his down. "Not bad, not bad at alllllhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!" Gary screamed. When he was drinking it, he heard a slight hiss, but he put no thought on it. And all he could do was scream, until he fainted from the agony. "I knew you were a moron." Helix said, as he pulled out a bottle of Bearhugger from his coat pocket and poured half of it into his cup. Taking a large sip from his cup, he let out a loud whew. "Man, this stuff is strong." He said.  
  
About half an hour later, Gary woke up. "My head. Owwwwwwww. What happened.?" He moaned. "Mmmm… nothing much. You just screamed yourself into unconsciousness. You actually took it quite well. Most people don't know what to do when they knurd." Helix said. "Here, take a nice, long, slow drink of this." Helix said, handing a bottle to Gary. Gary took the bottle and did take a long drink of it. Almost immediately, he started to cough. "What is this stuff?" he wheezed. "Nothing. Just some Bearhugger whiskey. Says here each bottle is aged seven and a half minutes. At most." Helix said. After he said that, Gary fainted again, letting out a low 'Awwwwwww.' Helix let out a deep sigh. "Can't hold your coffee and you can't hold your alcohol."  
  
Helix was muttering to himself. For the past 10 minutes he was carrying an unconscious Gary, fireman style. "Sod this." He said loudly. Looking to see that no one was around he did something. What he did was put a envelope of green light around him and Gary, and he shot off like a bolt of lightning. (Okay, it was more light then ning, but that is because lighting isn't as fast as you think, it has to de-- you don't need to know that, and I don't have the time to talk of it. But anyway back to the story). And they made good time getting to, what Gary called a Pokemon Center which happened to be on the other side of the fairly large town. The only problem was that when going the speed of light, it is hard to stop. And even though he went back to normal, inertia did the rest. "Ohbugger, ohbugger, ohbugger!!!!!!" Helix screamed as he went through the doors and three walls. And he landed with a great crash as Gary was lying in the lobby of the center, the bottle of Bearhugger broke and the whiskey in it formed a pool around him. Helix then slipped into unconsciousness.  
  
Okay, fourth chapter done. And I would like to request that people who read this tell me what they think, as I like good reviews. I also like bad review, but I prefer good ones. So review and read. 


	5. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon, nor do I own Discworld.  
  
  
  
Authors notes: In case you were wondering, yes the bit about the lightning is from the "Thief of Time" and sobriety is not the opposite of drunkenness, knurd is. Think of sobriety as a bath in cotton wool. When you knurd, you get out of the bath. And I would like to know if any of you think that I am treating Gary too cruelly, so tell me.  
  
  
  
An hour late, Helix awoke from his unconsciousness. He was still in the Center and he was sitting in the lobby of it. And he still smelled of the Bearhugger. Putting on his fez, he went to find Gary. Gary was also in the Center's lobby, with his staff leaning up against his chair. Helix sat across from him on the sofa. "Nice hat. Where can I get one?" Helix commented on the ice pack Gary had on his head. "I am going to hell and this is a preview of it." Gary said to Helix. "I wouldn't say that. You see in my experience the gods are lazy buggers. Most don't bother in the judgement of mortal souls. That means that you only go to hell if you deeply believe that is where you need to go. Which won't happen if you don't know. That's why where I am from it is best to shoot missionaries on sight." Helix said. "Where do you come from? You never told me." Gary said. "I didn't? Well, I come from the Discworld. That is a planet that is flat, rides on the back of four elephants and they are on the shell of the Star Turtle, the Great A'tuin." Helix said. Helix took a deep breath and was approached by Nurse Joy, who handed him a slip of paper. "What is this?" Helix said. "A fine. First for swearing in the presence of young people, the second for bringing alcohol into the building, and the third for being drunk." She said. "I wasn't drinking. I know I smell of whiskey. But the bottle broke." Helix said, trying to defend himself. "Really, then why didn't you bleed." Nurse Joy said, unbelieving. "That's because I have on a chain mail undershirt, as well as a pair of chain mail shorts." Helix said, a little too loudly for anyone to be comfortable with. "Now I can tell your lying about that one." Joy said. Helix then got mad and pulled up his shirt. "See?" Helix said. "Never mind, then." Nurse Joy said, walking away and tearing up the paper.  
  
It was as the two were having this very… joyful conversation that someone that Gary knew came in. Actually it was three people. "The perfect ending to the perfect day." Gary said, getting up and getting his staff, trying to leave before Ash spotted him. "Don't bother speaking. I am not in the mood to discuss anything, Ash. I happen to be nursing a headache the size of a small country. And I am extremely tired. So I am going to bed." Gary said as he hobbled off to where the Center's rooms were. Then Ash decided to talk with Helix, trying to ask what his problem was, but he noticed that he knocked back a bottle with an orange liquid that seemed to glow from within, sort of like when you drop a flashlight in a river where the mud has been churned up. And he went into a drunken sleep.  
  
Okay, it is a short one. In the next chapter, Ash is going to have an experience with a certain drink. Here's a big clue. They make Lancre. It's from apples, we-ell mainly apples. I already got that in my head. 


	6. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon, nor do I own Discworld  
  
  
  
Authors notes: I will continue to treat Gary in a horrible way. Which is strange given that he is the hero of the story. You could call him my Rincewind for all purposes. So with this all said and done, on with the next chapter.  
  
The next morning, Helix was still asleep in the same position that he took the other night. His head was on the coffee table and he was snoring loudly. Which was something because that was more than a mouthful scumble that he drank before sleep, and he was still alive. He was exactly like this when Ash found. Ash Ketchum is a certain type of person. The type where sayings like curiosity killed the cat were tailored made for. Now Ash was looking over the things that Helix left out, and one of them was a bottle of scumble. "Hmm. What's this?" Ash asked to himself as he picked up the bottle. He read the label  
  
'Skumbule Ae produck ofe Lancre  
  
In-greedy-ants Yts mayd fromme apils welle maynly apils  
  
Kashun do notte putte thys drince in mettale cuppes'  
  
"Apils? Oh, apples. If its just apple juice then, there's no harm." He said as he took a very large, long swig of the liquid. When the liquid hit the bottom of his stomach, something bad happened, but not from his point of view. Because he suddenly wanted to have a discussion on philosophy with a wall. "Hello, Mr. Lemon. Now that you're here, all we have to do is wait for the pink elephants so we can have our party." Ash said to a potted plant. While he was talking to the inanimate objects, people were starting to stare at him. Which he seemed to ignore with a grin cemented on his face.  
  
"Mister!?! Yo, Mister!?! You need to wake up!" Misty told Helix as she shook him. "Beavers and ducks!!!!" Helix exclaimed as he woke up. "Oh, hello. Can I help you?" Helix asked Misty. "A friend of mine drank some of that stuff in that bottle and…and… well… look for yourself." She said as she pointed where Ash was. He was trying to stand on the walls, saying everyone else should be doing the same, lest they fall. "Oh. Well he sure hold it well given that he is still alive. I would just play along if I were you. Because he will feel like hell in three hours. So enjoy his mental instability while you can." Helix told Misty, before he went back into his sleeping position.  
  
  
  
You know what, I would say that Ash took that pretty well. Just wait till next chapter, where Misty and Brock and Gary will learn the intricacies of Cripple Mr. Onion. And Gary is going to be singing. Hint here, it is one of the songs that is never sung sober when people sing it. And the Bledlows don't like it. 


End file.
